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• tam; Iv MATTERS

BY DR, ANDREA CORN

Consider children's·· opinions when making important decisions

Dear Dr. Corn: I am just at a loss. My daughter has been quite upset with me, and it has strained our otherwise close relationship. This year she graduat­ ed from her ele­ mentary school, which is a feeder

school for several middle schools. After careful, consideration and weighing several factors (location, school rating, quality of services), my husband and I decided to send our daughter to the newest middle school in our area. We felt We made the best choice for our daughter's academ­ ic future. However, she is devastated because she will not be atfending the same middle school as her closest friends. It never dawned on us that this would be an issue as we assumed many of l)er friends' parents would have selected the same school. Over the summer, every time the subject of entering middle school came up, our daughter's behavior changed dramatically, as she now has developed an altitude. My husband and I are at our wits end and have privately con­ sidered transferring her back to the other middle

, school since it is only September. What should we do?

Undoubtedly, your' daughter's behavior communicates how strongly she disagrees with your decision. It is unfortunate that she is miserable about a decision you feel you made with her best interests in mind. It is understandable that you are consider-

SOUTH flORIDA PARENTING' I'IWW,sfparenting.com

ing reversing your decision. However, it is not. your decision that needs re-evaluation at this time. Instead focus on how thi~ sit­ uation was handled and what you could learn from this for the future.

Perhaps your biggest oversight was in not fully discussing this ahead of time with your daughter. To what extent was she actually included in the decision-mak­ ing process? How much did you address the possibility of not being with the same friends, making new friends, and dis­ cussing your daughter's overall fears and hopes about middle school?

Part of the process of helping preteens and young teens start to feel more inde­ pendent and separate is to assure them tlIat their ideas, opinions and feelings do matter, and that their input is valuable and will be acknowledged. However, this is not the same as relinquishing control and letting them make the decision. After all, a preteen does not possess the life experience, maturity or wisdom to know what is really best.

The norm is to expect tremendous fluc­ tuations and changes in their everyday feelings, beliefs and dreams, which is why it is imperative that as the parent you have the final say. By allowing your daughter the opportunity to express her feelings you are facilitating an important aspect. of adolescent development.

At this point, I would begin by acknowledging that your daughter has a right to her unhappy feelirigs. However, the hostile and sullen way in which she is

s (l

treating you is unacceptable. You need to help your daughter find a more appropri­ ate manner of expressing such feelings. Permitting your daughter the opportunity of venting her feelings will do much to help her heal the current rift. My recom­ mendation would be to consider family therapy. Since this has been bre,"ling for a few months, and we don't want it to become habit-forming, it may be best to speak to a licensed mental health profes­ sional. In a therapeutic environment, each family member will have an opportunity either individually or collectively to express freely and safely any and all painful feelings.

Learning how to be empathic to your

. child's feelings, whatever they might be, is an essential ingredient for healthy parent­ ing. Many parents have difficulty granting their children some degree of freedom and independence, often because of fears ­ real or imagined - about their safety.

In hindsight you probably realize that this situation could have been handled

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Learning how to be empathic to your child's feelings, what­ ever they might be, is an essential ingredient for healthy parenting.

differently, perhaps, in a way that would not have created such negative responses. Next tirneyou will make a concerted effort to hear and understand your daugh­ ter's feelings.

It will also be important to be both sup­ portive and encouraging to your daughter, as she is simultaneously undergoing the change of leaving elementary school and entering middle school. Th1s, by itself, is a gigantic step, and one that can be accof:t1­ parried with emotional upheaval, which can easily be .displaced upon the school or friends. Your daughter might have experi-

enced similar feelings even if she was with her friends at her preferred middle school.

It will be up to you to be. there for her and listen to her when she needs to share her thoughts and feelings. It is quite ccim~ mon for young people to have ambIvalent feelings alfout starting a different school. You may need to hold the vision that in time you foresee your daughter making wonderful new friends as she goes through school. Perhaps another impor­ tant lesson you can teach your daughter is that change is an inevitable part of life. And, that learning how to handle this

. adversity \"lith the faith that it will all work out for the best will be a model that can serve her well throughout her life.

Dr, Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo­ gist. in private practice in Plantation. She is a member of the American Psychological Associ­ ation and the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psychologists. You may write to her at cornpsyd@bellsouth.net.

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