_family MATTERS

A child-ce.ntered home not always the best place for kids

HOW TO SET YOUR PARENTING RIGHT TO FOSTER FAMILY HARMONY

BY DR. ANDREA CORN

Dear Dr. Corn: My husband and I believe that if we give our children different activities and items we did not have in our childhoods, they will grow up feeling good about themselves. Our intentions are well-mel1ning, but things have not turned, out as well we had hoped. My husband and I are very giving, and it surprises us that our children are nat considerate, gracious or grateful. They always seem to want more, even though they have clothes'and toys that are almost new that they never even look at. Lately, my husband and I have become curt with each other just out of sheer exhaustion. Our third- and fourth graders' schedules run our household. From the lime school is out until bedtime, we are carpooling, helping out

with homework, or working on school projects. We need advice about how to creale better -cooperation. harmony and gratitude since the lack of it is taking its toll_

By putting your children and their activities above your own, you have created a child-centered household in which you are at the mercy of their demanding behaviors. Your permissive discipli nary style may have developed as a reaction to your own uphringing, but this approach has its own concerns .. Understandably, you thought by giving yom children what you lacked growing up, they would be spared the same unhappiness, dis appointment and heartaches. You are now realiz-

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• family MATTERS

ing thai kind of thinking is Oawed. When parents live vicariously through their children, it is the parents who unknow ingly are trying to recapture what was denied them in their youth, while hoping this time the outcome will b'l different. Tllis is nut how you heullUuesolved emo tional wounds. Children Call not appreci ate these kinds of sacrificos. Not setting limits, or saying no, is detrimental to your children. By giving in. you may have avoided conflicts in the past but now you must prepare to undo what has been cre- . ated. Expect to see tantrums and tears, as it will take time for your children to believe you mean what you say and say what you mean. The formula for happi ness is not how many activities your chil dren participate in or how many possessions they own. Instead they need to learn to be respectful, accept your deci sions and limitations, and understand they no longer have the final say.

Listed below are some ideas for taking back co~trol and establishing ways to pro mote family togetherness.

1) First, let your children know that changes are going to happen in your household. The best way to share this news is to hold a family meeting. You may want to start having weekly meetings as a way of taking your family's emotional pulse. Be ciear, firm and calm when dis cussing the necessary changes. Be careful not to give in to any angry or unreason able demands, but you need to acknowl edge your children's thoughts and

feelings and not ignore them. Further more, you need to demonstrate tolerance for what you hear. Remind yourselves that your family did not become child centered overnight, so·it will take time for your household to move in the direction

,.... of being more authoritative. This parent ing style stands between being authoritar: ian and permissive. As you go tluough this period of transition, anticipate there will be conilicts. What you want to model is constructive problem-solving and con flict-resolution slcil1s. Your actions can give your children a blueprint to follow llu'UugllOut llwir llves. These meetings can teach your children about respecting

one another's feelings and understanding thaI individuals can have dilferen! per spectives, plus other interpersonal skills that will help them in school us well as on the playground.

2) Start planning nights when yom family can have dinner together. This is a lime when families can reconnect and share something about their day. While you may not always be able to avoid eat ing meq]s on the go, the idea of establish ing this ritual - at least once a week, but preferably more often - will foster more communication and a feeling'ofbelong ing.

3) Work together in and around the house to instill family unity, Be careful not to do everything for your children. Step back and let them help without too much direction from you. Otherwise, it is harder for yom children to become self sufficient.

4) Select a weekly family activity to enjoy together. The only limit will be your imagination, pocket book. and time. Many times, is it exactly these events that later stick out in a child's mind as treas ured memories.

5) Make sure to tell your children and spouse each day how much they are loved and how special they are in yom lives.

Be patient as it takes time to implement new rules and rituals. Teaching by exam ple will produce feelings of togetherness as well as provide your children with feelings of inner security - which is really what you wanted to give then all along.

Dr. Andrea Corn is a child and family psycholo

gist in private practice. She is a member of the American Psy chological Asso ciation and the Association for the Advancement of Sports Psy cnologists.